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24th December 2012

Mon, 12 24th, 2012 @ 21:41
: this was a little too harsh for facebook
i have to admit,

no matter how many christmasses i go through, it doesn't change my status of not wanting to see another christmas.

that's what i can't tell my family and why they will never stop making me observe this awful holiday.

24 hours from now i'll be in that house again. i wish they could know what that does to me.

i plan to drink as much wine as i can.
Current Mood: powerless


23rd August 2010

Mon, 08 23rd, 2010 @ 22:28

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22nd July 2010

Thu, 07 22nd, 2010 @ 01:39
miss you tonight. not really sure why, but whenever i go out to smoke after my parents fall asleep i get to thinking about you. sometimes i miss last spring semester, even though it was so horrible, i still knew you then. maybe the fact that i thought you were in my head has something to do with it. i wish you'd be in my dreams one of these nights. i know then i can remember your face better than when i'm awake.

i got kicked out of school this summer. that's kinda what i wanted last spring, i wanted everything to fall apart. but i fixed it, i got my housing and financial aid back and everything. i know if it was someone else and you were still here you'd be happy to hear that i no longer wanted everything to fall apart.

i'm listening to music i used to listen to in january 09. how ridiculous is that.

i have a girlfriend now, and she's nothing like paul conley. however, the real paul conley has an even more obnoxious beard than he did back then.

i've thought about talking to you, and it always felt weird. now i'm writing to you and it doesn't. i wonder if that's related to the reasons i'm better online than on the phone.

i used to read our IM conversations from summer of 08. it was nice. but eventually i started disliking the way i was then. kind of high-horse and pretentious. not as smart as i thought i was. occum 208 did that to me. 2009 got rid of that. more specifically, you got rid of that.

as if this hadn't already gotten too personal for its privacy level: you're still the best sex i've had. i remember i used to think that i'd never have sex again without comparing it to you, and i was wrong. but what did happen was i sort of blocked out the sex in my brain for a while, because of you in some way. now i don't really want it anymore. it's actually good. i hate the idea of wanting it more than the girl i'm having sex with, so now i'm pretty much guaranteed to want it less.

my psychiatrist used the words "sexual trauma". actually i think it was just "trauma". either way, i think that might mean i'm traumatized. i never thought i'd be traumatized by anything.

i wish i had american cheese. i wish i had oxy. but anyway i think i should be getting to bed. i have to walk to work in the morning.



3rd June 2010

Thu, 06 3rd, 2010 @ 19:19
i am gonna make it
through this year
if it kills me


1st June 2010

Tue, 06 1st, 2010 @ 01:26
This is how I spent my Memorial Day weekend.Collapse )


23rd May 2010

Sun, 05 23rd, 2010 @ 00:45
And you said,
"This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you".


Sun, 05 23rd, 2010 @ 00:42
Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won't be there.


22nd May 2010

Sat, 05 22nd, 2010 @ 17:10
: Sometimes
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever
Current Mood: not really, though


1st May 2010

Sat, 05 1st, 2010 @ 14:43
: house quotes of the day
1. I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone, but I was wrong. You just couldn't love me.

2. You've got ten feet of personal space around you.


7th April 2010

Wed, 04 7th, 2010 @ 00:47
oh hi. missed you.


29th March 2010

Mon, 03 29th, 2010 @ 23:32
Hard to starboard, we're approaching S1 house/cameron


Mon, 03 29th, 2010 @ 23:04
lo quiero


23rd March 2010

Tue, 03 23rd, 2010 @ 16:42
tour was lots of fun.

vermont is much prettier than connecticut.

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12th March 2010

Fri, 03 12th, 2010 @ 23:33
you are coming down with me
hand in unlovable hand
and i hope you die
i hope we both die
Current Mood: blah


10th March 2010

Wed, 03 10th, 2010 @ 14:48
i think what i despise most about insects is their suffering.


2nd March 2010

Tue, 03 2nd, 2010 @ 00:58
i cant go through that again


1st March 2010

Mon, 03 1st, 2010 @ 09:47
: I hope it stays dark forever
I've been told by several people that I could move on without forgetting you. I'm pretty sure that's completely false.


3rd February 2010

Wed, 02 3rd, 2010 @ 13:30
things are good.


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28th January 2010

Thu, 01 28th, 2010 @ 10:09

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10th January 2010

Sun, 01 10th, 2010 @ 02:16
im watching a live stream of house by someone from 4chan

house, metroid, 4chan

pretty much all i spend my time on these days


31st December 2009

Thu, 12 31st, 2009 @ 23:39
: this is how much i miss high school right now
dear future paul:

if you don't miss high school,

fuck you.


28th December 2009

Mon, 12 28th, 2009 @ 12:52
i had a dream that my cat's new home was eastern, and i had to keep him in my room so i wouldn't get in trouble. this made him very unhappy, and by the end of the dream he was under my bed not moving. i went back to wallingford without him because i couldnt get him out from under the bed.

i was very happy to see him this morning.


23rd December 2009

Wed, 12 23rd, 2009 @ 18:44

when I look back now
at the abuse I took from
I feel shame that I was so
but I must say
she did match me drink for
and I realized that her life
her feelings for things
had been ruined
along the way
and that I was no mare than a
she was ten years older
and mortally hurt by the past
and the present;
she treated me badly:
desertion, other
she brought me immense
she lied, stole;
there was desertion,
other men,
yet we had our moments; and
our little soap opera ended
with her in a coma
in the hospital,
and I sat at her bed
for hours
talking to her,
and then she opened her eyes
and saw me:
"I knew it would be you,"
she said.
then she closed her

the next day she was

I drank alone
for two years
after that.


21st December 2009

Mon, 12 21st, 2009 @ 22:04
: photography
on facebook and deviantart, my picture-a-day thing has been renewed, and these are some pictures i felt the need to share.

Read more...Collapse )


Mon, 12 21st, 2009 @ 21:53
me existing and it being december 24th don't make sense at the same time


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