miss you tonight. not really sure why, but whenever i go out to smoke after my parents fall asleep i get to thinking about you. sometimes i miss last spring semester, even though it was so horrible, i still knew you then. maybe the fact that i thought you were in my head has something to do with it. i wish you'd be in my dreams one of these nights. i know then i can remember your face better than when i'm awake. :
i got kicked out of school this summer. that's kinda what i wanted last spring, i wanted everything to fall apart. but i fixed it, i got my housing and financial aid back and everything. i know if it was someone else and you were still here you'd be happy to hear that i no longer wanted everything to fall apart.
i'm listening to music i used to listen to in january 09. how ridiculous is that.
i have a girlfriend now, and she's nothing like paul conley. however, the real paul conley has an even more obnoxious beard than he did back then.
i've thought about talking to you, and it always felt weird. now i'm writing to you and it doesn't. i wonder if that's related to the reasons i'm better online than on the phone.
i used to read our IM conversations from summer of 08. it was nice. but eventually i started disliking the way i was then. kind of high-horse and pretentious. not as smart as i thought i was. occum 208 did that to me. 2009 got rid of that. more specifically, you got rid of that.
as if this hadn't already gotten too personal for its privacy level: you're still the best sex i've had. i remember i used to think that i'd never have sex again without comparing it to you, and i was wrong. but what did happen was i sort of blocked out the sex in my brain for a while, because of you in some way. now i don't really want it anymore. it's actually good. i hate the idea of wanting it more than the girl i'm having sex with, so now i'm pretty much guaranteed to want it less.
my psychiatrist used the words "sexual trauma". actually i think it was just "trauma". either way, i think that might mean i'm traumatized. i never thought i'd be traumatized by anything.
i wish i had american cheese. i wish i had oxy. but anyway i think i should be getting to bed. i have to walk to work in the morning.